Who knew - motherhood is incredibly sensual! At times, blissfully so. I didn't know if this was a common experience, so I typed "Sensuality of motherhood" into Google, but came up with only a few hundred results, almost all of which referred in fact to the state of pregnancy, and not to a woman relating to her baby as a separate being. This makes me think Mr Freud has scared mothers into not revelling in the sensual side of our babies, lest we be tagged as perverts.
Yet, there is nothing so pure as that feeling of rubbing my face in Conrad's hair and drinking in baby smell, or of stroking the impossibly soft fat of his cheeks. There is an intimacy and pleasure in falling asleep with him tucked into the crook of my arm - I watch his sleeping expressions, listen to his breathing, and feel his exhalations into my face (they are very cool, for some reason, and do not smell at all!).
It's immensely physically satisfying to feed Conrad with my own breast, to feel the ache of milk drawing down, and the intense pull of my nipple getting drawn into that hungry mouth. When I give him a bath I delight in the sight and feel of his little curled-up body, for he seems so tiny and new. Every time I feel his skin next to mine I am reminded of the day he was born, when his slippery little body was placed on mine, and suddenly he was real. Conrad is literally of my body, and my body is aware of it still.
I distinctly remember those moments you describe with such exquisite devoted love. I often think how lucky we are that we have the time of gazing and giving them our unconditional love. I was explaining to Zoe yesterday about how when we parent for the first time it's all experimental as we've never done it before and I told her I learn as much from her as she from me and she replied, 'so that means we are both the teachers, teaching one another'. Nine years later I still recall those moments of drowning in Zoe's being as a new life and I think it is those moments that keep you from ever falling as a mother. So beautiful to read your reflections of motherhood x
ReplyDeleteIt's true, Helene, I do feel immersed in this new other being. I guess it's falling in love! Your Zoe sounds like a wise girl xx.
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