The path ahead has not been walked before you, and you fear treading, well, not on a landmine, but at the very least on a cowpat. So why would you not stand safely, stagnantly, still?
I do not know. I do. Not. Know.... which direction to take. I stand at Three Ways:
Do I leave my useless, selfish partner and be a single mother to the one child I love with every fibre of my being, enjoying my newfound independence?
Do I stay with my useless, selfish partner and have a second baby, which he has finally, begrudgingly agreed to but is already resenting me for even though we're not even pregnant yet?
OR do I leave my useless, selfish partner, attempt to get pregnant via donor sperm at the age of 40, and be a single mother to TWO children I love, one of whom will never know her/ his father?
What does it say for the power of hormones when that last option seems the best, even though it's the one that means I will be busy, impoverished, stressed, old, at my wits' end, disorganised, messy, late, haggard, forgetful, a bad friend, a frustrated mother, terrible role model, scattered, sad, unfit, isolated, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely and lonely, plus with frizzy hair and chewed nails?
Them's some powerful hormones.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was about making tough decisions, where all options seem wrong. The advice was, you can choose the path of guilt, or the path of resentment- always pick the path of guilt, because guilt fades, but resentment builds and destroys your happiness.
ReplyDeleteThat's great advice, Emma! I really like that, and, boy, is it true. What did they say about the path of sheer unadulterated terror? hahaha.
ReplyDeleteI feel the need to come to my partner's defence here, by the way. I was at my wits' end when I posted that, and while I am no clearer about the path to take, I have to own that it is my decision, and slamming him because he's even more clueless than I am about which direction he's going, isn't really fair. Sigh.
Life really sux sometimes. And the years of parenting a small child are the most horrifically taxing and destructive on any relationship. Most people I know, whose kids are now older, got through it by the skin of their teeth. (including me). Hope you are able to find some degree of clarity.
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